"My life is a series of unfortunate events!"

What I was wailing a few minutes ago, preceded by "OOOOUUUUUCH! Oow, owW, OUCH! UGH!"

Proceed at your own risk! The following content is uncensored and may contain hilarious but unnecessary drama, overuse of italics, and (shocking, I know) sentence fragments. If you're an English teacher, you might as well just stop here unless your sense of humor is well oiled and in proper working order.

Today I met with a series of unfortunate accidents. I was wearing flipflops and I sat down at the computer for a moment. When I sit in that swively chair, my feet automatically exit my flipflops. Really, it's quite astounding. The problem is that my toes suffer from short-term memory loss and they usually forget to re-enter their flipflops before I leave the computer. And we don't go barefoot at my house.

Anyway, my feet followed their usual course of action quite absent-mindedly. I wanted to post some Independence Day pictures, but I let Mom use my memory card up at the church. The first unfortunate accident was that I forgot to upload my pictures onto our home computer. Bummer. So I decided to blog a great quote I found in a book. I went to find the book, but I tripped on the ironing board and sliced my little toe across the top. That was the second unfortunate accident.

Of course, this necessitated some first-aid treatment, so with a squirt of Bactine and a few dabs with a cottonball, I was ready to find that book. No luck. Third unfortunate event. And then I looked down and discovered that my toe was bleeding again. So I made a beeline for the first-aid cabinet only to find that the fabric Band-Aids (the ones I like) were missing. They vanished. I used them yesterday. Fourth unfortunate accident--I forgot to put them away. And so I was left with the cheap nasty kind that never fits and looks ugly and falls apart when you try to see if the bleeding stopped.

As I was making my way back to the computer, duly bandaged and frustrated (I still hadn't found that book), I tripped on our very thick dictionary. Fifth unfortunate happening. And I didn't trip the normal way, oh-no-no-no, I tripped with one toe. My injured one. Sixth unfortunate event, which led to my wailing and howling (something I hardly ever do), which brought my brother out of the back bedroom to see if I was alright (actually, he heard "UNFOOOORTUNATE EVEEEEENTS" and thought I was making a joke).

All this for a blog post!

And the moral of the story is:

Don't leave your flipflops at the computer chair by mistake, and if you do, avoid the ironing board at all costs. The best course of action would be to wear steel-toed boots, or at least tennis shoes, for the rest of your life. When you use the Band-Aids, put them away in the right place (I just found them in the wrong drawer) because you'll absolutely, positively, certainly need them tomorrow. If you take pictures, upload them onto the computer ASAP, because if you don't you'll be wishing you had all week long. When you see a great quote in a book, don't wait--write it in your notebook right away. Because you might not be able to find the book later. When you see the dictionary out of its place, return it immediately (especially if your kind and thoughtful brother got it out just for you because you didn't know what a battalion was). And last, but not least, the cardinal rule: when you're in the woeful depths of despair never, never, never make allusions to books that are great family favorites, because your family won't take you seriously. They'll think you're joking. Especially if it's Lemony Snicket.

The End.