here

I am just so...happy with life today. Not happy as in laughterlaughterjoyjoy, although a little of that, but more of a peace and contentedness.

The Bible reading project--journey--is moving forward. I hit some speed bumps along the way. I've learned that if I try to start reading forty-five chapters at 1:30AM, I probably won't finish them all. I skipped a few days catching up on sleep, got hung up in Deuteronomy. But now I'm back on track and consuming great portions of the Word in a sitting, and I just feel so, so blessed. Just to have the Bible is a miracle. Its complexity, enough to study my whole life and never come to an end, is reassuring. The God portrayed therein, breathing through the words, is mighty and glorious and Love. It is good. He is good.

This month, the mp3 version of Misty Edwards' album Relentless is on sale at Amazon.com. a $5 download. I've put it on my ipod and the choruses have been running through my head a lot lately, which keeps me focused. I love it. I love my God.

I'm sitting in front of a computer anticipating doing one of the things that excites me most--studying nursing. My books are arriving in the mail, they are heavy with promise of knowledge to seek out. I flipped through my Anat. & Phys. textbook last night and I absolutely cannot wait to study again. The intricacy of the human body astounds me.

While I'm anticipating that, I'm doing the other thing that excites me. I'm editing photos, having recently had the privilege of shooting a friend's engagement pictures. Also I have some senior portraits to take next week and I'm excited about that, thankful for the opportunities and loving them. My goodness. When I finish the engagement ones, I have two sets of just my own photos to work on. Inspiration has re-awakened and I'm so thrilled.

I remember how stressed I was about choosing either photography or nursing. As it's turned out, God's lavished upon me the best of both worlds--trauma nursing as a career pursuit, and photography on the side. Which I like better anyway. His plan's being revealed and it's so utterly perfect for me and my personality that it's hard NOT to be excited. I used to think that God's will was this elusive thing that I probably wouldn't like as much as my own ideas but that I'd be obligated to follow. I thought it'd be hard to find and complicated. Actually, it was merely a matter of moving forward in life, of being close to God and making the decisions that led to peace and joy. God's plan isn't this hard, complicated task we must find and painfully maneuver our way through, squeezing our lives into the mold of God's Will. It's not like that at all. It's a matter of knowing why you were made and of walking in it; of doing the things that you're passionate about for the sake of He who instilled that passion within you. It's a matter of confidence and grace and wisdom, but not something to stress over of to fear. Because God's will is what we were made to do, and it is fulfilling that that brings joy. Just something I've been thinking about.

So I'm sitting here in the computer lab down the row from a middle-school age girl who is lipsynching to whatever's playing on her headphones--Jonas Brothers?--while shopping for school uniforms online. She smells faintly reminiscent of Polynesian sauce and it's making me hungry. I have a dollar fifty in my wallet--I've been avoiding spending money lately unless it's cash, because I REALLY WANT MY MACBOOK. But I have this dollar fifty and I'm thinking about whether I want to go get a Reese's 3 pack out of the vending machine across the hall, or save it and have a Caffe Verona, black, at Starbucks in the morning. Starbucks is winning. Thinking about the rest of the world...how privileged I am just to have a dollar fifty in my wallet and such a decision to make.

I'll go running tonight, when the sun sinks low. I've been consistently working out and generally being healthy lately, and it feels great. I get to ride my mom's old Schwinn bicycle, from when she was in college. It is one classy ride, the long curves of the frame a deep blue. I can't wait to be riding around campus, books in my basket, the leaves falling and my cardigan actually comfortable in the cool fall weather.

Judging from this week's heat index and severe heat warnings, this dream amy take awhile to come true.

I'll be back at Circle of Friends camp this weekend. I was thinking the other day about how much I've grown and how much has changed in my life since August camp last year. I feel like I've gotten to know myself this year, grown comfortable in my own skin. I've learned crazy huge lessons, walked through some difficult times, and I have known joy. I'm embarking on a new journey in...let's see...one week. :) College is going to be amazing. It's going to be hard and complicated and crazy and weird sometimes, but that's life and overall it's exciting.

I am loved and I am happy.

Giving His Love Away

This is an essay I wrote about Circle of Friends Camp last semester. It was for a contest and I won a monetary award, but more than that I appreciated the opportunity to share just a few of the many things God's been teaching my heart as I volunteer at camp. Also, I think it might help you gain a better understanding of this camp that I always seem to be talking about; haha, I really hope you're not too sick of hearing about it.

Giving His Love Away

Have you ever learned something that took your prepackaged and preconceived ideas and turned them upside down and inside out while opening the door to a totally new point of view? This happened for me at Circle of Friends Camp, a ministry to families with physically and/or mentally challenged members. Circle of Friends Camp takes place three times each summer at Camp Gilmont, a Presbyterian camping facility outside Gilmer. Through volunteering at camp, I have learned three paradoxical truths that have changed my life.

Because of my brother's challenges, my family and I began to attend camp when I was nearly twelve years old. Although I was shy, unsure of how to relate to challenged people, I enjoyed camp. I was struck by the way that everyone was encouraged to participate in the talent show, even if they just made wacky sound effects or told a corny joke. I began to see the value in a place where everyone was accepted, regardless of their physical or mental limitations.

Perhaps at a camp primarily geared for challenged people, one would expect to see some conflict or tension. Not at Circle of Friends Camp. The atmosphere is permeated with love, respect, joy, and peace. Each person is valued simply for who they are. The authenticity is remarkable--the way that people love each other and enjoy each other is not a mere farce. It is genuine.

Over time, I too became more comfortable around people with physical or mental limitations. I began to enjoy their company and to look forward all year to seeing them at the next camp. I soon became a volunteer, gaining the privilege of serving these people in a practical way by befriending them, assisting them, and doing my best to ensure that camp was a wonderful experience. I was thrilled from the first moment I donned the volunteer uniform--a brilliant yellow vest.

Through volunteering, God opened my eyes to the paradoxical lesson He had been teaching me all along--that no matter what the outside of a person is like, each person has vast value and worth because each has been uniquely fashioned by the hand of the Almighty God, who made all things good. God radically destroyed my subconscious yet utterly shameful notion that people with physical or mental challenges are to be pitied, looked down upon because they "aren't as good" as I am. As God taught me to look deeper, beyond surface differences, I began to find immense depth and richness within these people, gaining some very dear friends.

I see the second paradoxical lesson illustrated best in the lives of two of my challenged friends, Bryce and Janey. Bryce is a nine-year-old boy who doesn't see very well, speak very clearly, or walk very steadily. However, he is highly intelligent and he loves cars. Bryce and I spent a great deal of the camp weekend outside in the parking lot, looking at the vehicles. As we inspected cars in the hot summer sun, I grew inwardly impatient. I did not understand why Bryce could spend what seemed like eons staring at a car's taillight--that is, until Bryce taught me. I finally knelt down and he proudly showed me all the miniscule facets in the reflector plate. Bryce noticed pattern and detail everywhere we went--whether it was the facets in a reflector plate, the bristles of a pinecone, the texture of a straw hat, or the way that light danced between the fingers of his outstretched hand. Bryce helped me learn to slow down-to look at things with new eyes and to appreciate detail and pattern, the order and beauty in God's creation.

Janey is a fifteen-year-old blond girl whose frequent smile exudes pure joy. Even though she is sometimes ignored or made fun of at school--because she looks different, sounds different, and acts differently than the average fifteen-year-old-Janey doesn't really let it bother her. She lives above it.

Janey is the most authentic person I know. She says what she means and she means what she says, unworried about maintaining an image. So often I make decisions based on how I will look to others, but Janey is not bogged down by worry about others' opinions. She is free from that stress, and just being with her refreshes me, encouraging me to be more authentic and to worry less about others' perceptions of me. Janey is simply Janey--honest, real, and beautiful. She and Bryce have given me so much. Through them, as well as many others, God has taught me a second paradoxical truth--that often those who seem like they have the least truly give the most.

Serving at camp has been one of the most influential experiences of my life thus far. Camp is not easy. It costs me time, booking my holiday weekends. It costs me energy, requiring work to help things run smoothly. It costs me effort, doing my best to help a challenged person enjoy camp, making it a special experience for them. It costs me love, choosing to lay down my personal agenda to serve and to bless others.

Giving of myself is hard. The cost is great, but the rewards are greater. I had no idea that servanthood would be so worthwhile--it is an understatement to say that it has radically changed my life. Through serving at camp, God has taught me far more than I could ever write here.

Don Lessin said, "What a privilege we have been given by God to be able to spend our lives giving His love away." Herein lies the third paradoxical truth: giving truly is a privilege far more than it is a sacrifice. While it enriches the life of the recipient, it changes the heart of the giver. I am privileged beyond words to have the opportunity to give God's love away at Circle of Friends Camp as well as in my everyday life. I will never be the same.

Summer's end

Summer is drawing to a close. That's almost hard to believe, although I'm feeling ready for school to begin.

The best of the summer: my favorite part was definitely volunteering at Circle of Friends Camp (you can read about that here and here). Working with these special children and their families is a joy and a privilege. To be able to serve in this way is a tremendous gift from God to me.

As a side note, this camp was the best one yet. I know I say that every time I come home, but it's always true! As volunteers, we're continually learning how to function as a stronger and more efficient team. God has blessed Circle of Friends Camp so much. I get to go back in two weeks for the Labor Day Camp, and I'm thrilled about that! I'm really looking forward to hanging out with my friend Bethany (photo of us here). Here's a picture of me and my new buddy Michael, who swims like an absolute fish and likes to sing opera with me:


Speaking of pictures, I've taken a lot this summer. That's been fun, but I'm getting tired of taking pictures of flowers. They're pretty, but I want to photograph something else for a change. I'll be in a photography/art class at school this semester (and I am super excited!), so I'll probably get to take lots of pictures of other things.

Another great happening this summer: the whole going-to-school thing. God has been so faithful to work everything out, even down to getting me into the classes I wanted and helping us find the uniform stuff I needed. I'm so thankful that He cares about every detail in my life!

This is an excerpt from a post over at the BFtH blog, entitled "What you shouldn't pray for"
(follow the link and scroll down to see it).

"In Charles Spurgeon's autobiography, the story is told of how God miraculously provided two seemingly trivial gifts to Mrs. Spurgeon.....

"Does anyone doubt that this bird was a direct love-gift from the pitiful Father! Do I hear someone say, 'Oh! it was all 'chance' that brought about such coincidences as these'? Ah, dear friends! Those of you who have been similarly indulged by Him know, of a certainty, that it is not so. He who cares for all the works of His hand, cares with infinite tenderness for the children of His love, and thinks nothing which concerns them too small or too trivial to notice."

Repeatedly throughout the New Testament, God makes clear that He wants us to prove our confidence in Him by offering up our petitions and praises. "Cast your cares upon Him for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7) "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." (1 Thessalonians 5:16-17)

While meditating on God's majesty is something I ought to spend more time on, and God doesn't appreciate foolish prayers, I suspect that our natural tendency toward folly doesn't erase God's interest in our "little worries."

And anyway, wouldn't you think that a God who created 228 muscles in a caterpillar's head likes details?" --written by Hannah Farver

I'd encourage you to check out the rest of the post. It discusses God's majesty and our small prayers. It's excellent.

And the end of summer marks the time for me to change my blog's color scheme. I like going seasonal--cooler weather, cooler colors. Hope you like blue.

Good and perfect gifts

I painted these flowers two years ago. I remember sitting outside on a breezy day under a bell-tower and just painting. I loved that. After I finished it, I drew all over it in pencil. I don't know if you can see it, but that's my favorite thing about the picture.

I don't have much of anything to post today--shocking, I know. I was looking forward to blogging this afternoon, but now that I get the chance, no grand and important ideas waltz through my head. Nothing. Zilch. Nada.

But I'm OK with this. Maybe sometimes it's better to have nothing to say. That is, nothing huge and amazing. Because God works through the littlest things of life just as much as the big things. So this post is about how God has worked in my life in a lot of seemingly "small" ways that maybe aren't so small at all...

On Friday I'm going back to Circle of Friends Camp, praise God. I'm excited to see what He will do. Volunteering is a very unique opportunity, and I love it. At camp, I have the opportunity to serve in a greater capacity...

The main thing I like about camp is the structure for service. As a volunteer, I have the responsibility of taking care of a child for the weekend (thirty hours). That means that I am expected to meet the child's physical needs, be a good friend to them, and help them have the best camp experience possible.

To accomplish these goals, I have to choose to lay down my own agenda and serve even when it gets hard. God is so good to me in this. Last Memorial Day, my little friend enjoyed being in the sun and running around a lot. I got tired and very sweaty. But when I was inwardly frustrated and when I was wearing thin, I called on God and He gave me not only strength and energy and ideas to bless my little friend but also JOY in laying down my personal agenda and preferences to make camp special for the child. God met every need I had, even the littlest things.

Of course God always meets all my needs, not just at camp! But at that time, God was opening my eyes to His blessings in an altogether new way.

God gave me joy and peace when I was frustrated. He gave me fellowship with Him when I was unable to sleep. He gave me several breaks at the times I needed them most. He gave me wonderful opportunities to serve above and beyond what was expected of me. He gave me a good partner to work with--the best possible person I could have partnered with, even though I didn't see it at first. God attuned my heart to the voice of His Holy Spirit, and He guarded my lips and kept me from saying anything I'd regret later. He wisely and tenderly guided me through each moment. And through it all, God gave me a new awareness of His blessings.

Every good thing in my life is a gift from Him. I take so many gifts for granted. How different my life would be if I lived every day in the mentality I had at camp! I was on the lookout for His blessings, and I was coming to Him for my every need. And He showed me His blessings (although I may not ever realize the full extent of His great gifts) and fulfilled my every need, even when He did it in a different way than I expected. It's like the Bible says:

"Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." --James 1:16-17, emphasis mine

And in the words of Jesus:

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" --Matthew 7:7-11

After camp, I made a list of all the different ways God blessed me just during camp weekend. I ended up with about 140 blessings, and those were only the ones I could see. Some were large (more-than-abundant energy on very little sleep!) and some were small.

This is how I want to live every day of my life. I want to constantly be on the lookout for blessings and see them for what they are: God's good gifts lavishly and abundantly bestowed upon me. I want to live in perpetual thanksgiving to God for every good gift--from the blood of His Son, Jesus Christ (He's the greatest gift of all!), to the kindness of a friend, to the bird outside my window. Because every truly good thing in my life is a gift from God. I ask that He would open my eyes to this reality. At camp, when I was seeing God's blessings, I was constantly praising Him for them as well as simply for Who He is. And living in such praise and joy was amazing. I want to live every day in the constant realization of God's goodness and giving thanks for that goodness constantly. God is worthy of praise at all times, not only for the gifts He's given but for Who He is. He is a most perfect and loving Father who delights in giving good gifts to His children!

I don't remember who said this, and I may not even remember it correctly, but I read this quote and I really liked it:

"Be on the lookout for God's mercies. Blessings brighten when you count them." Yes!


Hmm. I thought I didn't have much to say--but perhaps God did! What good gifts has He given you lately?

Camp was awesome

This weekend's camp was the best Circle of Friends Camp we've ever had. God blessed us so, so much. Camp could not have been any better! I am still thinking and processing the whole experience.

The photo is of me and my new friend Jonathan. I was so, so blessed to be able to work with him. Jonathan is an amazing little boy and I was privileged to get to know him. God blessed me in more ways than I can even count. He is so kind to me! Once again, I left a piece of my heart at camp. I'm going back in August.

Prayer requests

After waiting eight months, two weeks, five days, and twenty-two-and-a-half hours, I only have to wait another hour and a half before leaving for Circle of Friends Camp. Thank God I don't have to wait any longer...but it's all been worth it. I am so, so blessed and privileged to be a part of this ministry.

Here are my prayer requests for this weekend:

• For the children, that God would use this weekend to bless them mightily
  

• For the volunteers, that God would pour His love through us like never before

• For the families, that this weekend would be a time of rest and refreshing

• For the camp as a whole, that the days will go smoothly, that everything we say and do would be pleasing to the Lord

If the Lord brings it to mind, I would be blessed by your prayers.

I'm sure you'll be inundated by a plethora of photographs and stories upon my return. Have a wonderful weekend!

Today's the Day

Lately, I've been anticipating Circle of Friends Camp. Never mind--I anticipate it all year long! After counting down eight months, two weeks, and three days, I only have two more days to wait! So when I woke up this morning, I thought, with a great tingle of excitement, "Today's the day!" And then I remembered. "Today's not the day. And neither is tomorrow. We don't leave until Friday." I was so disappointed!

Circle of Friends Camp is one of my favorite things I do all year long. I feel like I leave a piece of my heart with those children, and I eagerly long all year for Memorial Day weekend. This week feels like it's taking a month. I'm ready to go TODAY! Really, I feel somewhat like a four-year-old waiting to turn five. "Only two more days? I don't think I'll make it that long!"

So I was really disappointed first thing in the morning, and that wasn't the best way to start my day. I remained rather gloomy for the duration of the morning and afternoon. In the middle of the evening God suddenly banished my clouds and opened my eyes to something amazing. Our conversation went something like this:

Him: "Today's the day!"

Me: "No, Friday's the day!" Sigh.

Him: "No, today's the day--today is the day for you to know me more!"

And so I saw that today's not a wasted day just because it's not the day I'm waiting for. Today is a priceless gift, too! Today is the day to seek and find Jesus. Today is the day to learn and grow. Today is the day to praise, to pray, to rejoice. Today is the day to live! And I am thankful.

"Found love beyond all reason
You gave your life, Your all for me
Called me yours forever...

"Found hope, found life, found all I need
You're all I need!

"The time has come to stand for all we believe in
So I for one am going to give my praise to you
Jesus

"Today, today, it's all or nothing
All the way, the praise goes out to you
Yeah, all the praise goes out to you

"Today, today I live for one thing
To give you praise in everything I do
Yeah, all the praise goes out to you..."

--The Time Has Come, one of my favorite Hillsong United songs

Circle of Friends Camp

I want to share about my Labor Day weekend. It was one of the best weekends I've had all year! I volunteered 30 hours at a camp for families with physically and mentally challenged children. This is always very physically strenuous--the volunteers are on duty 12 hours a day, and we are each assigned to a challenged child. But it's always worth all the struggles and exhaustion, because we are learning to serve the Body of Christ sacrificially! It's like a crash course in sharing God's love constantly--first to these special children and families, then to the volunteers after we get off duty.

The picture is of me and a girl named Bethany. She blessed me so much! Bethany is so sweet and loved to hang out with me. One day, she started crying because of a boy at her school who had called her a loser. She came to me, and I had the opportunity to share with her how special she is, that she is known, loved, and chosen by God, how beautiful He made her, and how much I love her.

It really hurts me to see these wonderful people, who are so dear to God's heart, called names, ignored, and looked down upon. I was so blessed to have the opportunity to share the love of God with them--a love that doesn't care if they look or sound different than we do, but accepts them for who they are in Christ.

I don't have a lot of pictures, but I do want to share a few more stories. Candi is about 25 years old. She is so much fun to be with! She was adopted about ten years ago, and she went to Morocco last year and spoke at orphanages. She simply told them her story, and that there is hope for the physically and mentally challenged children--that God can use them and that they can have a good life. God really used her mightily to make a difference in the lives of the underprivileged Moroccan children.

Ceci is a young woman who prayed one of the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard before lunch one day. She stood up and looked me right in the eyes and prayed what she believed. It was so pure, so true, and such a huge part of her life that I was very moved. I wish I had written it down, but I didn't have a pen. It went something like this:

God is so good.
Jesus Christ is the most amazing person that ever lived.
God has blessed us all.
He has made us all beautiful.
God is everywhere.
He is here, with us.
He is in your heart.
And He loves us so much.

I want to encourage you all to show the love of Christ today--to your family, to your friends, to everyone you see. And when you come into contact with mentally and/or physically challenged people, show God's love to them too! I know how easy it is to just ignore them because you feel uncomfortable, but please be open to God's leading and say hello, or how do you do, or whatever. I know from experience how much this blesses them--just to see that you care enough to look them in the eye and make them feel welcome. Show God's love today!