clean

My room is clean, clean for real. And I absolutely love it.

I've been struggling with keeping my room clean for at least six years now. It just hasn't been a priority, and so my room has usually been a huge mess--not that it was dirty, I just didn't put things away, especially clean clothes. I had an empty closet and piles everywhere. I don't like my room messy, I just haven't made the effort to clean it up. Until now, that is.

A few weeks ago during our weekly prayer meeting, God laid it on my heart to clean my room. I was a little skeptical initally. But I'd been praying that He would clear out my heart of all the distractions and little things that keep me from Him, and He was giving me a practical way to begin drawing near to Him, even though I didn't understand how it would help. I felt like God was saying, "This is a victory I want you to have." And if I was going to draw near to Him, I felt that this is what I had to do--not for me, but for Him, because He said to.

From my journal: "And this is how I start. For real. I guess I've just always seen my room and its vast mess as a side thing, without any bearing on my soul. But now it's become spiritual. And this is practical; this is where I can take those first practical steps in my journey of packing-up-the-tent-and-not-settling-anymore.

"And this is what I know. I can't do this alone. I can make a really awesome start, I'm super at those. But without You, it falls flat. Really flat. I need You to do this in me, I need the strength and endurance and vision...as I clean my room, clean my heart of anything that is worthless, anything not usable by You. Make room, make a lot of room, for the great and mighty things You desire to work. Open my eyes to the direct correllations between my room and my heart. Teach me what YOu want me to learn, and clear me out, help me clear me out, for what You have for me."

So I started to work, and I prayed for a metaphor--that as I cleared out my room, God would clear out my heart. Cleaning my room took me awhile. I wasn't super consistent. But now, finally, it's clean.

This is something I have been trying to do--and failing--for years and years.

God's given me victory.

And I am free.

My room is clean, clean for real. I absolutely love it. I feel open. I feel that like my room, my life has grown airy and spacious. I feel so much more clear-minded, that I'm able to do the things God's placed in my heart and my life. Not on my own of course; always in His grace, but I am more settled and rested and mentally available for what He would do.

For years, the door to my room has been closed, and the shades have been pulled. The mess has been so great that I've felt the need to hide it; and that's an embarrasing confession to make, but now I am free. Now my windows are open to the light, and my door is almost always open. Every time I pass it, I smile. My parents pause in wonder. It's a small miracle. I feel that like the door to my bedroom, the doors to my heart are flung wide open to the light and to what God would do in me.

I guess I just did n't realize what a huge source of stress my mess was. I knew it stressed me out, but now that it's gone I can see its immensity. Clutter was draining the life out of me. And now that it's been removed, I sleep betterm I breathe more easily, I am able to be at rest, I feel more alive than I've felt in ages, and I feel released, to be who I am and where I am.

God knew what He was doing when He told me to clean my room. I didn't own my stuff; my stuff owned me, and that is really sad. But no longer. This is not something I'm talking about, I'm not commiting to a change here, it's something that's already been changed. By God's grace. And that grace is beyond abundant.