i hereby declare

hey. hello. how are you?

so i've been thinking about being eighteen. it's an awesome place to be.

i feel so young and yet so old...i remember being about eight or nine and thinking that college students were just SO GROWN UP AND ADULT. now that i'm almost here, i know we're not. and in a lot of ways, that's a good thing.

so i've been thinking about high school ending, and college starting, and growing up. i don't know, in a lot of ways i feel like i've just gotten high school figured out, and now it's ending. but you know what? that's ok. this year's been really good; i've learned so much and grown so much and felt so much joy. and just because high school is ending doesn't mean that those experiences go away. they come with me and shape who i am, as i go to a new place with new experiences and lessons and joy. and that's exciting.

but as my life is changing, i'm realizing there are some things i want to change about me, too. i want to live intentionally, which is kind of a vague concept, but i've been thinking about it a lot lately. for me, living intentionally means sitting down and thinking about my life and i--who i am, what i want, where i'm going. and then taking steps to get there. it means not just going with the flow--it means knowing what i want to do or be and then taking the steps to get there.

so i hereby declare this Purpose Week. i want to take the time to figure these things out. so this week, i'm going to sit under a tree with my journal and a pen and think about what i'd want you to say about me at my funeral. i'm going to open up the drawers and closets in my brain and shake things around and figure out what i really care about, and what i need to let go. i'm going to ask God lots of questions. and i'm super excited. my goal is to come out of the week with a brief list of phrases that define who i am and how i live. this week is going to be devoted to figuring that out, and after that, it's baby steps, one week at a time, in order to get there.

one big thing i've been learning over the past two years is to let go of perfectionism--to let myself be who i am, and to embrace IMperfectionism. if i was perfect, not only would everyone hate me, but i'd be boring. if i was perfect, i wouldn't need Jesus, and i need to need Him. if i was perfect, nobody would be able to see the amazing things that He's done in my life, and the ways He's been made visible through my flaws and inabilities. i've gotten a lot better at this, but sometimes i'm still to hard on myself. so i'm learning to loosen up. yes, flossing my teeth is important and it makes me feel good, but is it REALLY that big of a deal if i skip a night here and there? nope. it's not worth it to stress the small stuff. homework and grades are important to me, and i do what's necessary to maintain them. but sometimes, talking with a friend who needs me is more important than finishing a worksheet that's due tomorrow. and so i'll choose that friend. but i still get good grades. i think it's all about balance. so that's what i'm trying to achieve--enjoying imperfections, not stressing the small stuff, and living a balanced life.

this is why i haven't capitalized much in this post. i'm not stressing the small stuff. hahahaha. if i want to type without capitals, that's not going to hurt anybody. so i'm not going to freak out, i'm just going to do it. because i can, you know. =D

And now I'm going to have to go back to proper capitalization rules, because leaving out capitals, while fun, requires entirely too much thought. What I want to do this week is not about being perfect. It's about taking the time to think and writing stuff down, because I'm one of those people who needs things to be put on paper. And then it's about living in forward motion, about being who I want to be, who God made me to be, and wholeheartedly living the life that God and I are creating. Because THAT's the life I want to live--the one that He's given me, in the best way I know how.

Something God's been teaching me lately is living with my whole heart. This is a big part of that. I'm discovering what it looks like. This is a section from my journal about a wholehearted life:

"God is huge, and I am His. I feel Him stirring me to set aside normalcy and set aside distraction and just go, go with Him. I'm reading Through Gates of Splendor, and I keep coming back to Jim Elliot's words:

"Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."

"I see this as God giving me permission to hold nothing back. It's a ticket to adventure. It's the opportunity of a lifetime, in the truest sense. It's an invitation to a vibrant, passionate, overflowing life. It's joy, it's risk, it's passion, it's adventure, it's pain, it's grace, it's love like crazy. It's real-deal authentic life, and it's imperfect, messy, and rough around the edges, but there is joy seeping through the cracks and glory splattered everywhere. All this for a King."

All this for a King.